saying goodbye

In less than 12hrs I'll be waking up in the recovery room and my baby will be gone. I know its just a perfect shell of our sweet baby in my womb right now and that our precious babys spirit is in the hands of God, but explaining that to the heart of any mother is difficult. Its so final and will be the last part of this baby that I will have on this side of heaven. Even through my tears and heartache God is good, He has never left my side and His presence has been stronger around me then I've felt in a long time. He promises to be close to the brokenhearted, He weeps and His heart aches with me and I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Even our earthly fathers hearts break into a million pieces when they see their daughter suffering and aching and knowing there is nothing they can do to make it better. They would move heaven and earth if they could so we know that our Heavenly Father who loves us so infinitely more than we could imagine is suffering right along with us. Many people ask if thats true then why would He allow this to happen, couldnt He have done something to stop it, performed a miracle and healed our baby? Yes He could have but for a purpose that we may never know until were standing in His presence He didnt and I still trust Him and praise Him.

It doesnt make the pain any less painful, the heartache any less bareable but I know He is carrying me and that tomorrow when I wake up and its final I know His presence will surround me, giving me strength to get through this.

Our family will never be the same, there will always be a part of our family missing. This will change our marriage and change our children but I know and believe that it will change us for the better. He promises in Romans 8:28 that ALL things work together for good, to those that are called according to His purpose, and there is a purpose we just dont see it yet.

We had an appointment today with our specialist and we were prepared for another quick ultrasound, preop paperwork and labs but I was not prepared to begin phase 1 of this process. Our doctor was frustrated that the staff didnt prepare me for this. We didnt have a choice and had to proceed, I quickly called on Jesus to be with me, to ease the pain. I turned on my worship music on my phone and closed my eyes. I'm not going to say it was easy, it was excruciatingly painful physically and emotionally. I had prepared myself to say goodbye at the hospital 24hrs later, I hadnt prepared my heart to start the process even as I looked at our sweet baby curled up sleeping on the ultrasound. I'm partly relieved that tomorrow will be under general anesthesia, but the mommy part of me is sad that I wont be 'present' when our baby is removed from my body. I know that sounds morbid, but if your a mommy reading this you understand, you would do anything for your child and not being present when our baby is taken somehow feels like I failed. I have assurance though that Jesus will be there, He will be present in the OR and is already holding our baby.

Thank you for praying for us as we cling to Jesus.