forever changed

This summer will be etched on my heart forever. It began with promises of hope, celebration and thankfulness. We prepared ourselves to once again travel the road of infertility and dreamed of completing our family. We talked with excitement and dreams wondering if Mia and Jacob would have a brother or a sister or maybe both. We were so excited to witness the miracle(s) God would have for us.

As the summer started we were excited to see our doctor and team of nurses again, everyone so excited to see what the future would hold for us again. Finally the long awaited day came and we were pregnant! I was so humbled and praised God that I was done with the excruciating road of infertility and our family will be complete. Our first ultrasound came quickly and we were surprised to see two babies!! We waited patiently another week and confirmed that one of our precious babies heart never started, bittersweet although joyful that Twin B was measuring perfectly and had the most beautiful heartbeat. We cried tears of joy and loss together.

We praised God for this life that He had knit together and excitedly talked about what it would be like to have one baby. Would it be a boy or a girl? We talked about names and how exciting it would be to actually bring a baby home from the hospital with us, the chances of me carrying one baby to full term was very good! This was a whole new experience for us and we couldnt wait.

A few weeks later we saw our sweet baby again with Mia and Jacob. They were beyond excited to see the baby dance for us and move all around. They took turns being lifted up to the monitor to see their little brother or sister moving for them. They told everyone they came in contact with and shared our exciting news! The babies heart was perfect. I remember asking my doctor as he was leaving the ultrasound room what my chances of miscarriage were and he said less than 2%, "your out of the danger zone" and for the first time I unguarded my heart and fully stepped into the reality that we were going to have a baby. Having gone through infertility it is so common to guard your heart for fear of everything you have had to endure would not be successful and up to this ultrasound there was still a part of me that was guarded.

Another week later we enjoyed a beautiful Saturday morning, watched the kids graduate from their swimming lessons level 1 and headed excitedly over to graduate from our doctors office to our OB. We already had our first appointment scheduled and big ultrasound for Friday, October 1st. John had scheduled the afternoon off and we were so excited and looking forwad to our long ultrasound and watching our little miracle.

We all entered the ultrasound room, while waiting for our doctor the kids were excited to see the baby "wiggle" and we joyfully talked about what our little active one would be up to. We were all smiles and there was finally no fear at this appointment. Doctor entered singing the graduation song, how we love him and how he genuinely cares for each patient. I've been present at enough ultrasounds with many patients to know exactly what to look for. As soon as the ultrasound came into picture our precious baby was so beautifully formed. A perfect head and profile, beautiful arms and legs, amazingly perfect!! but instantly I noticed that there was no movement in the chest, he wasnt moving.

Fear set in my heart like I've never felt before. I remember saying to myself, this cant be happening, please hurry and find the heartbeat. My doctor was desperately searching too and I could see unbelief at what he was seeing in his eyes. I thought my eyes are deceiving me, the babies just turned around, nothings wrong. It can't be, God wouldnt put me through all of this to come to this point, please hurry and find the heartbeat. I remember turning my head because I couldnt look anymore. If this was it I didnt want the memory of seeing my lifeless perfect baby laying in my womb. I remember him turning the doppler on to see blood flow and I glanced back and there was no color in the baby, I knew what that meant...but I didnt want to believe it. He got up and told us to meet him in his office and left the room. I remember feeling my body shaking and tears rolling down my face but I was numb. I thought this is a nightmare, just wake up and it will still be morning and you'll get out of bed and go to your appointment, this can't be happening to me. We went through so much and God answered our prayer and desire for this baby, please God no...

Mia and Jacob were so quiet, they whispered to us that they wanted to see the baby and wanted to know what was wrong. Dear Lord how do I tell my babies that you've taken this one home?

We were given 6 or 7 pictures of this perfect baby but I couldnt look at them, I pushed them into my purse and we left with plans to see our doctor on Monday.

Later that evening we sat the kids down and told them that Jesus had loved this baby so much that He took it to heaven to be with Him. They both immediately said "but we want to see the baby and hold the baby" We told them that is why they see mommy and daddy crying because we want to see the baby too but Jesus loved our baby so much that He needed him in heaven. They each tucked this into their precious little hearts and we've watched them grieve their own way. Mia quietly and drawing pictures for mommy and the baby and Jacob needing to ask questions and talk about it. He immediately told Nana and Papa (although they already knew) that Jesus had taken our baby home with Him, and his sunday school teacher and friends at church.

Ive had friends that have suffered miscarriages and I've prayed for them and tried to comfort them through their sorrow. Now walking through this especially after watching our little ones heartbeat and kick and grow I know the devastation and tragedy of losing your child. I look at Mia and Jacob and tears fall as I count them my greatest blessing and yet at the same time my heart grieves in a way that it never has for this baby that I'll never hold.

The pain is unbearable at times, overwhelming and I wonder if I'll ever be the same again. I cry out for God to do a miracle, please let it be a mistake and tomorrow when we go to our appointment its heartbeat will be perfect, just an error on the other ultrasound machine, but I know better. My mind knows better but my heart longs and pleads for a miracle. I know that Jesus loves me so infinitely more than I could imagine and bottles up each tear that falls, but my heart doesnt understand and I know it never will on this side of heaven. I'll never be the same person again, our family will never be the same again but somehow someway I know God will use this to make us better, transforming us more to His image and plan for our life.

Please pray for us as we face what tomorrow will bring. I'm learning to give a voice to my sorrow and for the first time today I told a friend that I'm not ready to say goodbye to this baby, as soon as I spoke the words tears poured down and sobbing took over my body, through it though I heard the spirit whisper to me that He knows. He knows, He knows, He knows and He is close. I'm so thankful for His promise that He is close to the brokenhearted.

Thankful that as of tonight I get to carry this baby in my womb as the Lord sustains me and it will be too soon to say goodbye.

"Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One
who's chosen me
To carry you" ~ Selah