the 25th...

a number that will be etched on my soul for all my days on earth. i know as time moves on that i'll have feelings of thankfulness and joy at the little life of Emerson that we enjoyed here on earth but for now it leaves a hole of sadness in our life that we know only Jesus can fill and yes to be honest every day it gets a little easier, Jesus carries our burden of grief for us and were able to take a breath of hope and joy a little better and more everyday.

but today was the 25th and as much as i tried not to dwell on it or think about it, i couldnt. it seemed like a blanket of heaviness was over me and my outlook was anything but joyful and happy. it hurt...a lot. one month ago today we saw Emerson for the first time lifeless and felt the pain of loss that no parent should ever feel.

My body aches to be hold his body again, to feel his life being knit together by our amazing creator. Our dreams of everything he would be to our family and what our life would look and feel like were taken away in one second one month ago today. I remember someone telling me that its not only the loss of a child that was loved so much and so desperately but its also the loss of the dream, the loss of what he would be like, what every holiday and family vacation would be like with our 3 children. How would he interact with the twins, what kind of amazing bond would he contribute to theirs? every dream taken from us in a second.

What we do know is that nothing passes through our sovereign Lord's hand without his permission. He knew the devastation this would bring to our lives and family but He also can see the end while we can only see the present. We trust Him even when we can't understand.

Our devotional over our weekend away in Santa Barbara was amazing....
"Those who suffer the most are capable of yielding the most; and it is through pain that God is getting the most out of us, for His glory and the blessing of others. Life is mysterious. Indeed it would be inexplicable unless we believed that God was preparing us for scenes and ministries that lie beyond the veil of sense in the eternal world, where highly tempered spirits will be required for special service.

I'm thankful that tomorrow is the 26th and look forward to what God has planned for our family!!

BROKENNESS

so here i am again, another post on the same evening. but the Lord has been pressing this on my heart for the last few days, in fact as i was journaling out my post on saturday i stopped to write down the title of a post i know He needed me to journal about. maybe its to remind me a few years down our path of what He was showing me or maybe its for another reason, i'm not sure but i wont feel better until i get it out :) please dont expect anything profound, i'm literally just writing as i'm pondering the thoughts and wonderings in my mind and as i would write in my paper journal but for some reason my hands dont get as tired as fast when i'm typing.

BROKENNESS

a few years ago i started to read a blog by Angie Smith called 'bring the rain' as she journaled through her pregnancy and eventually the loss of her daughter, its an amazing blog and i was drawn to it because of her faith during her painful and heartbreaking trial of carrying her daughter until birth and then after only holding her a couple hours handed her into the Lords presence. I couldnt even imagine it, i remember reading through it in tears while my sweet healthy babies slept in their nursery and yet while I mourned her grief i know now that i only barely had a glimpse of her pain. I knew though that i was drawn to her brokenness, to the raw faith and pain she was sharing with our Lord.

The day after we found out that Emerson had left us I told hubby that I wanted to go to the bookstore. We went and he graciously and patiently took the kids to "kids corner" at Barnes while I browsed and looked for something, i really didnt even know what i was looking for. As I scanned the 'religious' section I stopped as soon as I came across her book, "I will carry you". I remember her writing this and talking about it yet I had never thought to buy it or read it. I had read her blog for a couple years so I kind of figured it was just on her writings through her blog compiled together, i was wrong. I read it in one night and absorbed every word, i could feel her pain, i could feel my pain and questions and wonderings validated and it felt so good, i felt like i was for the first time sharing in her sorrow and brokenness and "got it" like i would never wish on anyone.

I loved how she talked about Mary, Martha and Lazarus and their story was told in a new light. A light of pain, grief, brokenness, hope and finally redemption. A few weeks later our pastor was going over John 12 and the story of Mary and her worship to Jesus with her most precious possession..the alabaster jar.

Her story is one of complete surrender...heart abandoned, a worship like no other. Jesus loved Lazarus and when He heard the news that the 'one He loved' was sick He didnt go, he was only a days walk away yet He stayed and Mary knew this, she didnt understand. She was so troubled that He didnt come because she knew that He could heal Lazarus and take away His sickness. Lazarus died and Mary was heartbroken, she didnt understand. Jesus eventually came however it wasnt Mary that ran to meet him, it was Martha. Mary eventually came out to see Jesus, she was devastated and when Jesus saw this he was troubled and heartbroken for her...he wept. He didnt weep because he was sad or because Lazarus was dead but he wept because Mary was broken and He is a compassionate loving God. The story didnt end there, he raised Lazarus from the dead. Days later Jesus arrived at their home for dinner and while Martha served, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus, she brought out her most prized possession the alabaster (perfume oil, estimated to be over a years wages) the most precious possession she owned, she let her hair down which I didnt know until recently was not something you did until you were married, no one was ever to see your hair down except for your husband and she did this in a room full of people. She was completely abandoned in her worship, she didnt care what other people thought. She broke the entire jar over Jesus' feet and then wiped them clean with her hair. As Jesus was crucified days later she didnt stand at the cross but ran through town and it is said that the oils of perfume still in her hair filled the city with the fragrance of Jesus, the sweetness of her worship to Him.

I've heard this story many many times but I didnt come to understand it like I do now. Its been hard to explain how my communion and intimacy with God has changed through the loss of Emerson. One would think that there would be anger and grief that would pull me away, that I would be numb... but its actually the opposite. My worship and intimacy with my Jesus is altered forever, the sweetness of the aroma I have is a communion like no other. I stand and worship with my hands lifted high, my heart completely abandoned and surrendered to Him alone....my eyes fill with tears when i open the His word...when I feel His spirit surrounding me when I think of Emerson, carrying me when I call out or whisper for Him to come...you see I've given Him my most precious possession...He is holding my son and He whispers into my heart.."I know what its like to give up your most precious possession, because I did too"

My prayer is that through my worship to him, my hair too will fill my surroundings with the sweet aroma of Jesus, that through my brokenness He will be felt, His presence will be known and that my heart will always be surrendered and abandoned to Him.

because its out of my brokenness that my worship changed , that I am completely surrendered and abandoned to my sweet Jesus alone. I will let my hair down and sit at his feet, letting the light in me fill the room through the brokenness, they will see Jesus in it. There is something about a broken heart, a broken spirit, which blesses unbelievably.

Brokenness. There is no other way to be effective in touching others' lives. ~ Jon Courson

no answers...

In all honesty I had completely forgotten about waiting on the test results of our sweet angel Emerson. We had our post-op appointment last week and then a follow up with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) over the weekend and then the week started...i seriously dont even know how we got to Wednesday ...yet our little R&R retreat to Santa Barbara is less than 48 hours away so i'm really glad that this week has zoomed by and some great quality time with the hubby and kids is on the horizon!

So in the midst of work meetings this morning, picking the kids up from preschool and then coming home for a few hours before my moms retirement party i didnt even look at my cell phone to see who was calling (which is SO unlike me) i answered and there it was...our perinatologist and i knew immediately she had the results, she had discharged me on Friday from her care so there was no other reason for her to call.

Jesus had already prepared my heart though, i already knew that there would be nothing wrong, that my amazing (brave & powerful "Emerson") would have been perfect and he was, his chromosomes were perfect, no abnormality that they could detect. The Lord had already spoken this answer into my heart weeks ago yet part of me still wanted something to have been wrong, an abnormality or disease that the Lord had taken my boy home in heaven to be healed from, a disease that would have caused him pain and discomfort here on earth.....something... anything to ease the pain in my heart and keep my thoughts from wondering if it was something i did, was it my body that passed a clot through the umbilical cord, a placenta abnormality or detaching (yes the nurse in me comes out), an infection, something i ate.....why did his heart stop? and yet my mind knows the answers, knows that I worship an amazing God that created and loves me more than I can even imagine, a God that loves my babies more than i can even wrap my mind around! That there was a great purpose and plan through the loss of Emerson and that He will work all things together for good...because He promises me that and He never breaks His promise.

These things i know, i know, i know...yet my heart is flesh and weak and at times i can't grasp that my boy needed to be held in his mommy's arms at least once, to hear me whisper in his ear how much i love him, that i would go to the ends of the earth for him, to pray over his delicately formed body and feel my touch...these things a mother longs for and yet I know that the Lord has done all this for him and more, Emerson will never know a world of pain and suffering all He will know is the warmth of his mommy's womb, the sounds of his mommy, daddy and sister and brother and then he knew the Lords presence...how glorious that must have been.

this morning i had a sweet friend text me to tell me what a beautiful day the Lord has made, and it was...yet as I was driving to work i kept repeating to myself " It is is a beautiful day...It is a beautiful day..."(you get the picture) i had to keep repeating it to myself so that my heart would step into it...that doesnt happen all the time, i have moments, long moments of enjoying every single blessing that surrounds me, joyful laughter at the antics of our preschoolers, feeling the unconditional love and compassion of an amazing husband and all these blessings I know I dont deserve....because the greatest blessing of my life is that my sin is covered by His blood, that I will spend eternity with my creator and this world will pass away...there is nothing i could be more thankful for! so when i find my spirit heavy and weary i will keep repeating to myself His truth and His promises and eventually my heart falls in line too!

If anything this has taught me to be real, i'm such an optimist see the glass half full kind of girl, knowing that there is nothing God isnt big enough to do or move. I love to encourage and have a great word or promise for a friend hurting and yet through this experience i've learned that sometimes no words are needed, sometimes its just sitting next to them and having empathy for their pain, sometimes having a word of encouragement isnt what they need to hear. I didnt know this until I was there, i've had big trials before but walking through the loss of a child is different. Hearing "its all God's plan" "God wanted him home" "He has a purpose for this" is true, all so very true but it doesnt ease the pain and by only giving an encouragement and not acknowledging the pain and sadness it hurts. I'm writing this as a reminder to myself that this is what the Lord is teaching me...because I didnt know and I've had very very close friends walk through this pain as well and I wish I would have known, I wish someone would have told me what the best way was to empathize for them. My sweet friends that have endured this loss have come over and sat with me really not saying anything, they have texted and emailed..."my heart is broken with you... I'm hurting with you... missing him too"...they are amazing women in Christ and could probably share a great verse or promise or encouraging word yet they choose not too because they know and there is a difference in that. Through this experience it has taught me more how to empathize and to share compassion and empathy with less words.
I've come across this verse many times in the last week, dont you just love coming across the same verse in different ways, its like the Lord is pressing it further and further into your heart...

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Cor 1:2-4

so I'm reminded again through the pain of really having no answers today that there is actually an answer in that, there are no words, no answer, nothing to tie this pain up with a pretty little bow and move on, yet He empathizes with our pain, He holds our hands and will carry us when were too weary and He is always present, sometimes without words. There was no profound answer today, no great promise or scripture that leaped off the page into my heart yet He is here and sometimes its ok to have no answer.

**the new private blog isnt up yet but you will know as soon as it is, this one will always remain too and I'll be doing plenty of writing and pondering here, our other one will follow a new journey of what the Lord is revealing to us**

new private blog

We have a new private blog coming this weekend. Were keeping the new one private as it will journey with us through valleys of the unknown and hope in the world of infertility. I know that there are many of you who read our blog so if you would like to join the private blog you will need to comment so that I can add you :)

This current blog will remain our family happenings as we journey through life with our two miracles babies (i refuse to acknowledge them as preschoolers.....yes i'm in denial).

Have a wonderful weekend!!

too beautiful for earth...

"an angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book,

"too beautiful for earth"

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. a special day for us to honor our sweet little ones who are no longer with us. while some of these babies and children were held here on earth there are others who were not. yet we miss them all...whether they were merely an image on a screen or a weight in our arms. they are missed. so in remembrance of Emerson today (last night) and all of his wonderful new friends, we are lighting his candle. we love you Emerson and miss you so much! Thank you Emerson for all your new friends mommy's too. they have brought so much comfort into my life as we mourn and grow together through the loss of each of you. It brings me so much comfort to know that you are surrounded by beautiful babies in the presence of Jesus!

A sweet friend sent me this quote above yesterday, isn't it beautiful!!! Thank you Kara Kae!

I spent the afternoon at my post-op appointment at our perinatologist office. during my pregnancy with the twins this office was literally our second home. our perinatologist didnt take a breath of relief until we celebrated 28 weeks on new years eve, he surely thought that my body wouldnt be able to hold them yet our mighty and powerful God carried my body through to bring Mia and Jacob into this world. this office holds so many precious memories and yet we've added another memory, bittersweet. how i wish there was more sensitivity during the long wait then to sit in a room full of pregnant women, i kept thinking I should be sitting here waiting for my joyful appointment watching Emerson bounce around on the screen too but instead i'm waiting for my follow up to make sure everything has healed up and that there isnt any sign of infection. what i am thankful for is that my sweet boy woke up in the car right before i got out (the plan is that i knew they would fall asleep on our way to a 3:15 appt and that my mom would hang out in the car while i went upstairs) he wanted to go with mama and i'm so thankful that he did, he distracted me and as i watched him play and ask a million and 1 questions i just fell in love with him all over again if that is even possible. he is my miracle (as is his twin sister) because i know how close we came to losing them both.

"everything looks great, you have healed beautifully", those words should have brought relief and hope yet it brought sadness... sadness that my body shouldnt be healed and not pregnant, i should be celebrating this pregnancy that we worked so hard for and yet everything has healed, a reminder of our loss.

this morning as we prepare for our second appointment of the week to meet with our other doctor i found myself anxious and sad. we were supposed to be done with infertility, finally putting it behind us, this was supposed to be the completion of our little family and yet that wasnt Gods plan. so we meet once again more as a follow up to make sure my pregnancy levels are coming down and to discuss what our options in the future are. and then my amazing God delivered a perfect devotion to me this morning to address every worry and thought...

It is very easy to fall into doubting, worrying, wondering if God has forsaken us, and thinking that after all we have been through , our hopes are going to end in failure. But let us refuse to be discouraged and unhappy! Let us "consider it pure joy" James 1:2), even when we do not feel happiness. Let us rejoice in faith, by firm determination, and by simply regarding it as true, and we will find that God will make it real to us.

"The Holy Spirit will come to our aid, giving us faith of God and crowning us with victory" ~ streams in the desert

wordless wednesday

My babies....oh how they grow too fast!

"Emerson Joy Pascua" 09/25/10

24 hours after we found out that our baby had died I got up the next morning and knew the only place I wanted to be was at church worshipping Jesus. Our church family is beyond amazing and surrounded us in love and community. I remember walking into our service and they were already in worship, we stood and my husband held me as tears and sobs shook my body. Here I was worshipping Jesus while our desperately wanted baby was no longer kicking inside me. Yet the words to this song raised my hands up towards the heavens in worship and praise.

The last couple weeks it had escaped me to which song we were singing, last night as I was journaling I had my iPhone on shuffle and it was going through all my worship songs and this one came on...it was the one I had worshipped too and each word touched my heart again. I haven't been able to take it off repeat and as I've listened to it all day and evening God has been speaking to me and revealing to me the steps He wants us to take. Steps and decisions that my mind and body doesn't want to make or face but steps I know the Lord is asking of me and of us.

Asking me to sacrifice my heart knowing there will be more pain in the grieving but "what can I say, what can I do but offer this heart O God Completely to You". See the Lyrics to this amazing worship song at the end of this entry.

I've been trying to make sense of all Jesus was showing me and revealing to me from the second our home pregnancy test was positive. At each step of this pregnancy it seemed that it was barely in our grasp, we couldn't get a full grasp of it. Jesus held it out for us as we slowly took another step. We were beyond ecstatic to see multiple positive pregnancy tests 3 days before I was scheduled for our blood test, we thought my numbers must be perfect and stable since we were getting early positives so quickly, Monday came and I wasn't even nervous I was excited to see how high our number would be, would it be over 300 like our twins were or maybe just over 100 and instead of twins we would get to experience the wonder of enjoying one newborn! I didnt sit around staring at my phone like I had 4 years before, I enjoyed the day and the fact that there was new life growing. Finally the call came and our doctor was cautiously optimistic..it was 54, still more than positive for pregnancy but lower then we had expected especially since I had tested positive early. It couldnt be twins either, that number was known more for just one pregnancy. I was told to come back in 48hrs and if that number doubled then we were in the clear and could enjoy that this pregnancy was progressing normal. So here we were, we had taken 3 steps forward and 1 step back. 48 hours came and we waited on more blood work, we watched the phone all evening and finally he called, my numbers had more than doubled they were perfect!!! He was confident that our pregnancy was progressing normal and we could relax. We celebrated, finally we can exhale!

2 weeks later it was time for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks to see a heartbeat.
My devotion that morning was on Hebrews 11:1, it spoke about having faith even when we can't see. I tucked that into my heart and thought as much as we want to see the heartbeat maybe God is calling us to trust Him even when we can't see. He was preparing my heart. We started the ultrasound and to our surprise it was twins, two gestational sacs! What I wasnt surprised by was that we didnt have heartbeats yet, I was scared and knew that it could go either way in another week, good or bad. We prayed and pleaded for healthy heartbeats, I just knew the Lord was calling us to trust Him like we never had.

One week later we were back and my devotional on our way to the appointment was Psalm 107:23-24 "they saw the works of the Lord, His wonderful deeds in the deep"
As we walked up to our appointment holding hands John asked if I was nervous and I said no, Jesus had given me His assurance in His word that morning that we would see the works of the Lord! Sure enough we saw one beautiful heartbeat, measuring perfect and it was glorious!! Our other ones heartbeat had never started, it was bittersweet but we couldnt stop praising God for this one miracle!

Many weeks went by and every weekend we got to see our baby growing (the greatest blessing of infertility many many ultrasounds), kicking and moving and measuring perfectly. Everything was right on track and finally we could rest and enjoy this blessing and miracle.

So the last few days I've been seeking God on how He could have let us ride that roller coaster of emotions. We desperately wanted to grasp this pregnancy and hold tight while the whole time we felt like it was slipping from our fingers. Finally when we get the clearance to celebrate and enjoy this life that was growing and progressing it was taken from us. Why couldnt He have taken it at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 9weeks, why did we have to progress and watch or sweet baby grow only later to have him taken from us. What was the purpose?

I've been thinking about this and asking the Lord to help me to understand, reveal to me the purpose in having us go through all of it knowing in the end of it that it would fall from our hands.

As I've been grieving and learning to live with this loss and move on I found myself putting away our many, many, many ultrasound pictures so i wouldnt have to see them. I purposely avoid the drawers in our bedroom and bathroom that hold all our syringes and medication. I've moved everything around that reminds me of this pregnancy and baby so that it wouldnt be so painful, so I could function and smile in the midst of the kids preschool busyness, in the celebration of new babies that have arrived, at bible study, community home fellowships and normal errands and outings with the family. I found myself subconsciously pushing it out of my head so that I wouldnt have to hurt and so that I could... well count my blessings and focus on that. John and I had picked out names for our sweet baby but we hadnt decided on one officially and since my arms are empty and our baby is with Jesus we could just skip that whole process too, that was my plan anyways.

It wasnt Jesus' plan for me in all of this though. His plan is not my plan and His purpose for us in this is definitely not one that we would have purposed. What He called me to do is not something that my flesh would want to do, I want to avoid pain at all costs, so when He called me out today I had no doubt that there was any part of "me" in this. He asked me to name our baby, my first thought was no Jesus...I'm doing well, I'm taking one step at a time and I'm moving through this, please dont make me do that, it will hurt too much.

Yes we acknowledge that this sweet life will forever be a part of our family, that if we ever have another baby it wont be our third son or daughter because that place was already filled by this one, but as crazy as it sounds I couldnt take that next step to personalize this loss so intimately, I selfishly pleaded to Jesus not to make me go there and yet I heard it in the song He had given me 24 hours after we lost our baby, "I needed to abandon my heart and surrender to Him, all I am is His" and as much as it was going to hurt it was something I had to do, that He needed me to do for a greater purpose.

So while John and I had been discussing a few names 3 or 4 of them there wasn't one stood out more than any other, until today. I knew immediately what this baby's name was, there was no question or hesitation. What surprised me was the middle name, as soon as I said his first name out loud the middle name came with it and a promise with it as well. This was not me, it was the name Jesus had always intended for our baby. A name we will treasure and cherish for all our days on earth.

Emerson Joy Pascua
"Emerson" - I couldnt remember what the name meant but when I pulled out our book I
was in tears, it means brave and powerful. It was more fitting then I
ever could have imagined.
"Joy" - this was never a consideration but as soon as I said Emerson out loud
Joy came right behind it and I audibly heard "the JOY of the Lord is my
strength"

I found this today, it was always meant to be for this beautiful picture!! A day our children and us will never forget. The day we watched Emerson move and kick.


Being obedient to Christ isnt something our flesh always wants to do, sometimes its painful and more suffering then we think we can endure, but there is healing in the pain. I'm ready to heal at the pace the Lord wants me to go at and not mine.

The Stand, Hillsong

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

feeling crafty!

I've always wanted a chalkboard for the kitchen or for the family room. I love that you can add and erase a phrase, a verse, a song or a celebration for my family. I think it adds an amazing personal and warm touch to any room.
So I've been on the search for one for awhile now, always hoping I would happen across the perfect one at a boutique, antique shop or even Home Goods... no such luck and trust me I've been on the look out.
So I just decided that I would make one myself and add my own personal touch...it was cheap and so easy!

I found this frame at Home Goods in the clearance section...seriously it was $8 because the glass was missing...which was so perfect because I didnt want the glass anyways :) I loved the antiqued patina around the edges and even better the burlap material matted around my now chalkboard!!


grab some chalkboard paint and a little disposable tray and roller (I'm already thinking of other things I can do with this chalkboard paint..ha!)


tape down the burlap material/matting and roll on a couple layers. Literally I would walk out to the backyard every hour and it took me 5 minutes to put on another layer.


i L-O-V-E it!! I had a little sign that I thought was cute hanging on the end of it too! Its in our entryway right next to our front door which I like since its the last thing you look at as you walk out the door. I had a couple different verses or choruses that I was going to write on it but as I got out some chalk I started writing this, I love how the spirit prompts us with something that I know didnt come from my heart. He is so worthy of our praise!!

even better, hubby loved it too :)

He is Faithful

Its been a good weekend with a lot of quality time with hubby and the kids.
Mia and Jacob skipped their naps on Friday and went to bed really early on Friday evening so we had a sushi date night in and a movie. Saturday morning we were off early for Mia and Jacobs swim lessons and then straight over to the park for a birthday party. The kids had a great time playing with all their friends and were tired by the time we got back home and ready for a nap, gotta love birthday partys that are over at 12:30pm...perfecto!!

Sunday we had a great morning at church, we grabbed lunch with some friends and then the 4 of us headed down to Main street, San Clemente Beach. We walked around, ate ice cream and enjoyed iced latte's. It was really a perfect low key weekend and we both appreciated the quality time we really needed. We are so blessed by each other and our miracle babies that are growing up way too fast.

I'm so thankful for an amazing husband that constantly asks how I'm doing, I love that he knows even in the midst of laughter, joy and beautiful sunshine there is sorrow and sadness threatening to shadow it. That there is something precious missing from our life here. Yesterday as we were driving in the car I thought only 2 weeks ago at this exact minute our baby was moving and growing and alive, only 2 weeks ago... How could things change so suddenly? I wish I would have known that was the last ultrasound I would ever see of our third miracle moving and kicking, I would never have taken my eyes of the screen, I would have stared so long that it would be engraved on my heart forever. If only we would have known.

God continues to write our story, our testimony. My hope is that I would never shy away from sharing it, that I would let God use it as He desires. That I would be a broken vessel consumed by Him only and always ready at the Holy Spirits prompting to share. I wouldnt wish infertility, IVF or miscarriage on any couple but my hope is that through our journey as we seek Jesus and lean on Him that we would bring glory to Him and be able to help others.

Our infertility story started a little over 4 years ago we decided it was time to start our family. We were excited and dreamed of the family we would have some day, the joy and laughter that would fill our home! Months came and went each time we were excited and wondered if this would be the month that would change our life forever. One evening as I was praying and reading I turned to the book of Habakkuk and these words literally jumped off the page and into my heart,

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end and will not prove false.
Though it may linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay" Habakkuk 2:3

I knew the Lord was giving me a promise to sustain me for what was to come, what I didnt know is how He would continue to take me back to this promise through IVF, premature labor, premature twins and again 4 years later in my devotions.

Mornings continue to be the hardest, the moment I open my eyes for that split second I want to still think its a nightmare, were still pregnant and were done with infertility forever. Saturday morning I opened my eyes and immediately reached for my Streams in the Desert devotional. I quietly whispered and pleaded Lord just give me a nugget, something anything Lord. I opened my book and this was a summary of my devotional;
Above all, when when thy God hides His face, say not that He hath forgotten thee. He is but tarrying a little to make thee love Him better; and when He cometh thou shalt have joy in the Lord, and shalt rejoice with joy unspeakable. Waiting exercises our grace; waiting tries our faith; therefore wait on in hope; for though the promise may linger, it will never come too late.

Did you see that...yes thats the same promise He gave me over 4 years ago and I knew again that He was pressing it into my heart. I literally dropped the book from my hands and was speechless. He is so beyond faithful and I know that if He could pull back the curtain and reveal to us all that He has planned for our family that I would see every dream and hope for our family fulfilled. However through this sorrow and heartache He is refining us in the fire and having us lean on Him like we never have before so that we are prepared for the plans He has for us.

Infertility is painful and a grieving process all on its own. When your told that you wont be able to conceive a child naturally with your husband something that most of us all expect and dream of its painful and a sorrow that is always there. You feel robbed of something precious. Even after the birth of our amazing miracles we both came to understand that the heartache of not being able to conceive on our own is still tender. Infertility is a disease and doesnt disappear. The desire and dream of being pregnant on our own without the schedule of medication and procedures will always remain a desire. I'm so thankful for many women that God has put in my life that "get" this.

I believe that God uses many trials to draw us closer to Him and to mold us and conform us to His image. In Jeremiah 29:11 He promises to prosper us and not to harm us, He promises a hope and a future, that we will call upon Him and that He will listen to us, that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with ALL of our hearts. I dont know about you but in the midst of busy days and when life is plugging along according to my plans I know I'm not seeking Him with all of my heart, but I can promise you this when we are in a trial, when we are hurting and don't understand we begin to seek Him with ALL of our hearts, we become consumed with Him and only in Him do we find the peace and comfort that we need. He calls us back to Him and through the pain and suffering we are changed and called for a greater purpose.


Some pics from the weekend...

You Never Let Go

Today I've been clinging to these words, they are amazing! We have so many questions.. why me? why after enduring the grief of infertility do we have to endure this now? why our baby that we worked so desperately to have? so many questions and sometimes there is no answer. I must choose to praise God and give Him glory even when my heart hurts and I dont understand because I know He will turn our mourning into joy, that He will catch every tear that falls and will redeem it. He will never let go of us, He is near through the storm and He will never let go....

Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

You keep on loving
And You never let go

Singing

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

I can see the light

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

So strong
So wise
So loving Lord

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

Oh, Lord, You never let go of me

(if you want to listen to the song go down to the bottom of the page and pause our blog song)

i love fall

my favorite season of the year is fall. I honestly think that I would love it in Washington, Oregon or even the East Coast. I love the grey sky, dark looming clouds and most of all the rain. I love fireplaces and cozy layers of blankets and pillows on the couch.

...but i live in southern california which means for a few days we may have 60 degree rainy skies but before we can turn around its 80 or 90. I have to keep summer and winter clothes out at all times because we just never know. I know your all thinking...are you kidding me you can go to the beach practically all year, but if your born and raised in sunny california it gets old after awhile..hehehe. We always want what we dont have..right..right :)





this one is located in our entry way and always makes me smile. I remember I had just gone on bedrest with the twins and while John was out shopping he came home with this, knowing that I wouldnt be able to get all my fall decorations down so I was able to enjoy this all through my pregnancy with the twins, love it!

and my favorites every season...
this warms up the house so fast and the smell is amazing!


move over my favorite pumpkin spice latte...the new toffee mocha is beyond amazing!

one week

Its been one week since we said goodbye to our sweet baby. I find myself having to actually look at the day of the week in order to figure out what day it actually is. In someways it seems so familiar, I did this when the twins were born and had completely lost track of time mostly because I think your body goes on auto pilot and just keeps moving forward even though your mind (or in this case my heart) is standing still. Hubby even mentioned tonight when he got home from work that it seem\s like were standing still while the world keeps moving ahead. I was so relieved to here this from him because I was thinking the same thing and just hadnt shared it with him yet (as in when the kids finally go to bed and we can let the tears fall). Its not that we try to hide our grief and sorrow from the kids but at 3 years old after a point its hard for them to see mommy and daddy cry, their hearts are so tender and can only take so much so were careful to allow them to see only so much.

I wish I had something profound to journal what God is revealing to me this week, but I dont. I feel empty. I find myself thinking I should be celebrating, dreaming and planning with my husband as we anticipate our third miracle baby but instead were slowly letting go of the realization of planning the nursery, putting away the baby name book and our favorite top 5 names. Closing the door for a time until we feel God leading us to another miracle.

After a week its hard and I know people just dont know what to say. I imagine that they fear bringing it up will bring tears or maybe they think that we are just trying to forget and move on. Its actually the opposite though, by not bringing it up it actually hurts more, we so desperately want our baby acknowledged that the short life our baby had here on earth left an impact and has forever changed us and our family. I've been on the other side though and not knowing what to say or if I should say anything at all is hard. As much as it hurts though I know God has a purpose for John and I to walk this path and with time our compassion for another couples loss will be great.

The grief continues to be a roller coaster, its hard and so unexpected at times when I feel like its getting better. Grief is hard work and exhausting. I never know when it may strike or what could bring the tears. It could be seeing another pregnant woman, hearing a newborn cry, finding a maternity shirt that fell in the back of the closet, an ultrasound picture (we have so many) of the baby that slipped from getting put into a box, my doppler that came in the mail so that the kids could connect to the baby and listen to the heartbeat. I know it will be a long process and that through it God will strengthen our marriage like never before and our relationship and trust in His perfect plan.

We know He has an amazing plan for our family, He promises that He will do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever imagine (Eph 3:20) but that doesnt mean that the road to His promises will be without pain and trials.

growing too fast...

On a lighter note today we are almost done with Mia and Jacob's big rooms! It has been a great distraction the last few days.

Over the summer while I was looking for twin beds for them I came across this adorable pair of antique solid maple wood beds. I knew I wanted solid wood beds and that I wanted them identical so that if they ever went in the same room again then they would match and all I would have to do is change the bedding.
They were sanded, primed and painted and came out beautiful!!

Here they are at the beginning of summer before the sanding and prepping began..





The kids were so excited to see their new mattresses delivered last week, seriously they look like little peanuts in their beds!

My sweet Mia had a vision all her own for her room. She's shared a nursery with her brother for almost all her life so when she got her own room she wanted pink everything. Hubby had to keep reminding me that it was her room not mine...ha! She was very disappointed that we didnt paint her bed pink too, however we let her pick out her bedding. I had some beautiful shabby chic vintage bedding in mind but this little princess had one thing in mind...pink and flowers!!! So off we went to pick up her Daisy Bedding at Pottery Barn and it was love at first sight for her!


I had to remove the white shelving that was on the wall over her headboard and put something up that wouldnt come down on her head during an earthquake. I loved the canopy's at PBK but I wasnt willing to pay $100 for them so I improvised and picked up this one at Target for 19.99, added these great butterfly and flower decor from Babies R Us with my hot glue gun to glam it up a bit and she's in heaven!! I've found her reading in her canopy all afternoon. I even added a butterfly inside when she looks up and it appears to be flying.





She loves her little table in her room and I find them both there through the day playing kitchen, coloring and recently "talking on the phone".


I had these two extra frames and "shabbied" them up a bit and made them into french memo boards to display her pictures, crafts and butterflies.



She has a dress up area in her closet and I love to be able to close the door for
quick clean up after she's gone through her box and tossed her jewelry around :)





My Prince's room is almost complete too! We picked a grey blue for his room and with all the white moulding it is beautiful. His room is so calming! He has been fascinated by airplanes since he was a baby. Absolutely loves them so I was happy to do a vintage inspired airplane room for him and he loves it too! I found his bedding awhile back at Homegoods (quite a steal compared to the princess' at PBK) and quickly picked it up because about a week later it was gone.






I found these antique paintings from the 1950's on etsy and had fun framing them too!


His plane is waiting for Daddy to find some time to hang it up in the corner of his room and then we'll almost be finished. I have a few more touches that will go above his bed and have almost convinced him that the white butterfly canopy is just for girls...hehehe, I love that boy so much!!

His Purpose...

Its been 3 days since we've left the hospital. In some ways its seems like it just happened hours ago and in the same way weeks or months ago. It wasnt easy walking up the steps to the same hospital that we brought our sweet babies home from almost 4 years ago. We walked those steps so many times during my pregnancy with the twins and every single one holding a special memory of our pregnancy with them. I'm so thankful that they took me away from the women's side and admitted me to the surgical unit. I dont think I could have handled recovering next to a new mommy and I've had friends that have gone through this and that happened to them, I can't even imagine.

Our surgery was delayed 30 minutes so I spent some of that time being prayed over by hubby and finishing an amazing book by Angie Smith, "I will carry you". As I was half reading it through tears and watching the clock I was pleading with God to reveal His purpose through this heartache a sentence seemed to jump off the page at me...

"It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering."

As soon as I read these words it was like a warm blanket covered me completely, a peace that surpasses all understanding fell over us and I took these words and pressed them deeply into my heart. It didnt hurt any less, the pain and brokeness didnt lift but a peace that only God can give was in those words. It was His plan and His purpose. Up until that moment there was a part of me that questioned what I had done wrong, Did I not rest enough? Did I eat something that caused this? The questions were endless because its difficult for us to accept that maybe there was no reason. I'm so thankful that the Lord is gracious and faithful all the time and will never abandon me or forsake me in my time of need.

The days after are definitely the most difficult. I find myself remembering back to last week and what I was doing with the kids and thinking about and anticipating with this pregnancy. One precious moment I remember in the Operating Room before I went to sleep was that as the doctor walked in and saw the tears running down my face as I realized it was going to happen in moments he looked at the surrounding staff and then looked at me and said that he was so sorry and that he knew this baby was a very much DESIRED baby. He knew that we had gone through infertility and for my sake wanted everyone around me to know in that moment that this baby was desperately wanted and desired. It felt so good to know that everyone around me was acknowledging my baby, that it wasnt a passing moment at work but that this was a life that meant so much to us and always will. I thanked God every for giving me that moment and with that I went to sleep and woke up in the recovery room.

The next day the flowers began to arrive and with every delivery it made me feel so good that not only was our family and friends sharing in our sorrow but that each beautiful flower represented the life of our baby.








A life that will never fade or diminish with time. My heart hurts that I will never hold this baby, breathe in its newborn scent, gently touch every finger and toe and whisper how much I love you in its ears on earth but someday in heaven I will and I anticipate that day with great joy.

My life is different, My walk is different, My sight is different and together were learning and feeling our way.



...and two little miracles that bring me so much joy and laughter!!! Yes that is how they wanted to wear their pajamas to bed :)