feeling crafty!

I've always wanted a chalkboard for the kitchen or for the family room. I love that you can add and erase a phrase, a verse, a song or a celebration for my family. I think it adds an amazing personal and warm touch to any room.
So I've been on the search for one for awhile now, always hoping I would happen across the perfect one at a boutique, antique shop or even Home Goods... no such luck and trust me I've been on the look out.
So I just decided that I would make one myself and add my own personal touch...it was cheap and so easy!

I found this frame at Home Goods in the clearance section...seriously it was $8 because the glass was missing...which was so perfect because I didnt want the glass anyways :) I loved the antiqued patina around the edges and even better the burlap material matted around my now chalkboard!!


grab some chalkboard paint and a little disposable tray and roller (I'm already thinking of other things I can do with this chalkboard paint..ha!)


tape down the burlap material/matting and roll on a couple layers. Literally I would walk out to the backyard every hour and it took me 5 minutes to put on another layer.


i L-O-V-E it!! I had a little sign that I thought was cute hanging on the end of it too! Its in our entryway right next to our front door which I like since its the last thing you look at as you walk out the door. I had a couple different verses or choruses that I was going to write on it but as I got out some chalk I started writing this, I love how the spirit prompts us with something that I know didnt come from my heart. He is so worthy of our praise!!

even better, hubby loved it too :)

He is Faithful

Its been a good weekend with a lot of quality time with hubby and the kids.
Mia and Jacob skipped their naps on Friday and went to bed really early on Friday evening so we had a sushi date night in and a movie. Saturday morning we were off early for Mia and Jacobs swim lessons and then straight over to the park for a birthday party. The kids had a great time playing with all their friends and were tired by the time we got back home and ready for a nap, gotta love birthday partys that are over at 12:30pm...perfecto!!

Sunday we had a great morning at church, we grabbed lunch with some friends and then the 4 of us headed down to Main street, San Clemente Beach. We walked around, ate ice cream and enjoyed iced latte's. It was really a perfect low key weekend and we both appreciated the quality time we really needed. We are so blessed by each other and our miracle babies that are growing up way too fast.

I'm so thankful for an amazing husband that constantly asks how I'm doing, I love that he knows even in the midst of laughter, joy and beautiful sunshine there is sorrow and sadness threatening to shadow it. That there is something precious missing from our life here. Yesterday as we were driving in the car I thought only 2 weeks ago at this exact minute our baby was moving and growing and alive, only 2 weeks ago... How could things change so suddenly? I wish I would have known that was the last ultrasound I would ever see of our third miracle moving and kicking, I would never have taken my eyes of the screen, I would have stared so long that it would be engraved on my heart forever. If only we would have known.

God continues to write our story, our testimony. My hope is that I would never shy away from sharing it, that I would let God use it as He desires. That I would be a broken vessel consumed by Him only and always ready at the Holy Spirits prompting to share. I wouldnt wish infertility, IVF or miscarriage on any couple but my hope is that through our journey as we seek Jesus and lean on Him that we would bring glory to Him and be able to help others.

Our infertility story started a little over 4 years ago we decided it was time to start our family. We were excited and dreamed of the family we would have some day, the joy and laughter that would fill our home! Months came and went each time we were excited and wondered if this would be the month that would change our life forever. One evening as I was praying and reading I turned to the book of Habakkuk and these words literally jumped off the page and into my heart,

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end and will not prove false.
Though it may linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay" Habakkuk 2:3

I knew the Lord was giving me a promise to sustain me for what was to come, what I didnt know is how He would continue to take me back to this promise through IVF, premature labor, premature twins and again 4 years later in my devotions.

Mornings continue to be the hardest, the moment I open my eyes for that split second I want to still think its a nightmare, were still pregnant and were done with infertility forever. Saturday morning I opened my eyes and immediately reached for my Streams in the Desert devotional. I quietly whispered and pleaded Lord just give me a nugget, something anything Lord. I opened my book and this was a summary of my devotional;
Above all, when when thy God hides His face, say not that He hath forgotten thee. He is but tarrying a little to make thee love Him better; and when He cometh thou shalt have joy in the Lord, and shalt rejoice with joy unspeakable. Waiting exercises our grace; waiting tries our faith; therefore wait on in hope; for though the promise may linger, it will never come too late.

Did you see that...yes thats the same promise He gave me over 4 years ago and I knew again that He was pressing it into my heart. I literally dropped the book from my hands and was speechless. He is so beyond faithful and I know that if He could pull back the curtain and reveal to us all that He has planned for our family that I would see every dream and hope for our family fulfilled. However through this sorrow and heartache He is refining us in the fire and having us lean on Him like we never have before so that we are prepared for the plans He has for us.

Infertility is painful and a grieving process all on its own. When your told that you wont be able to conceive a child naturally with your husband something that most of us all expect and dream of its painful and a sorrow that is always there. You feel robbed of something precious. Even after the birth of our amazing miracles we both came to understand that the heartache of not being able to conceive on our own is still tender. Infertility is a disease and doesnt disappear. The desire and dream of being pregnant on our own without the schedule of medication and procedures will always remain a desire. I'm so thankful for many women that God has put in my life that "get" this.

I believe that God uses many trials to draw us closer to Him and to mold us and conform us to His image. In Jeremiah 29:11 He promises to prosper us and not to harm us, He promises a hope and a future, that we will call upon Him and that He will listen to us, that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with ALL of our hearts. I dont know about you but in the midst of busy days and when life is plugging along according to my plans I know I'm not seeking Him with all of my heart, but I can promise you this when we are in a trial, when we are hurting and don't understand we begin to seek Him with ALL of our hearts, we become consumed with Him and only in Him do we find the peace and comfort that we need. He calls us back to Him and through the pain and suffering we are changed and called for a greater purpose.


Some pics from the weekend...

You Never Let Go

Today I've been clinging to these words, they are amazing! We have so many questions.. why me? why after enduring the grief of infertility do we have to endure this now? why our baby that we worked so desperately to have? so many questions and sometimes there is no answer. I must choose to praise God and give Him glory even when my heart hurts and I dont understand because I know He will turn our mourning into joy, that He will catch every tear that falls and will redeem it. He will never let go of us, He is near through the storm and He will never let go....

Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

You keep on loving
And You never let go

Singing

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

I can see the light

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

So strong
So wise
So loving Lord

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

Oh, Lord, You never let go of me

(if you want to listen to the song go down to the bottom of the page and pause our blog song)

i love fall

my favorite season of the year is fall. I honestly think that I would love it in Washington, Oregon or even the East Coast. I love the grey sky, dark looming clouds and most of all the rain. I love fireplaces and cozy layers of blankets and pillows on the couch.

...but i live in southern california which means for a few days we may have 60 degree rainy skies but before we can turn around its 80 or 90. I have to keep summer and winter clothes out at all times because we just never know. I know your all thinking...are you kidding me you can go to the beach practically all year, but if your born and raised in sunny california it gets old after awhile..hehehe. We always want what we dont have..right..right :)





this one is located in our entry way and always makes me smile. I remember I had just gone on bedrest with the twins and while John was out shopping he came home with this, knowing that I wouldnt be able to get all my fall decorations down so I was able to enjoy this all through my pregnancy with the twins, love it!

and my favorites every season...
this warms up the house so fast and the smell is amazing!


move over my favorite pumpkin spice latte...the new toffee mocha is beyond amazing!

one week

Its been one week since we said goodbye to our sweet baby. I find myself having to actually look at the day of the week in order to figure out what day it actually is. In someways it seems so familiar, I did this when the twins were born and had completely lost track of time mostly because I think your body goes on auto pilot and just keeps moving forward even though your mind (or in this case my heart) is standing still. Hubby even mentioned tonight when he got home from work that it seem\s like were standing still while the world keeps moving ahead. I was so relieved to here this from him because I was thinking the same thing and just hadnt shared it with him yet (as in when the kids finally go to bed and we can let the tears fall). Its not that we try to hide our grief and sorrow from the kids but at 3 years old after a point its hard for them to see mommy and daddy cry, their hearts are so tender and can only take so much so were careful to allow them to see only so much.

I wish I had something profound to journal what God is revealing to me this week, but I dont. I feel empty. I find myself thinking I should be celebrating, dreaming and planning with my husband as we anticipate our third miracle baby but instead were slowly letting go of the realization of planning the nursery, putting away the baby name book and our favorite top 5 names. Closing the door for a time until we feel God leading us to another miracle.

After a week its hard and I know people just dont know what to say. I imagine that they fear bringing it up will bring tears or maybe they think that we are just trying to forget and move on. Its actually the opposite though, by not bringing it up it actually hurts more, we so desperately want our baby acknowledged that the short life our baby had here on earth left an impact and has forever changed us and our family. I've been on the other side though and not knowing what to say or if I should say anything at all is hard. As much as it hurts though I know God has a purpose for John and I to walk this path and with time our compassion for another couples loss will be great.

The grief continues to be a roller coaster, its hard and so unexpected at times when I feel like its getting better. Grief is hard work and exhausting. I never know when it may strike or what could bring the tears. It could be seeing another pregnant woman, hearing a newborn cry, finding a maternity shirt that fell in the back of the closet, an ultrasound picture (we have so many) of the baby that slipped from getting put into a box, my doppler that came in the mail so that the kids could connect to the baby and listen to the heartbeat. I know it will be a long process and that through it God will strengthen our marriage like never before and our relationship and trust in His perfect plan.

We know He has an amazing plan for our family, He promises that He will do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever imagine (Eph 3:20) but that doesnt mean that the road to His promises will be without pain and trials.

growing too fast...

On a lighter note today we are almost done with Mia and Jacob's big rooms! It has been a great distraction the last few days.

Over the summer while I was looking for twin beds for them I came across this adorable pair of antique solid maple wood beds. I knew I wanted solid wood beds and that I wanted them identical so that if they ever went in the same room again then they would match and all I would have to do is change the bedding.
They were sanded, primed and painted and came out beautiful!!

Here they are at the beginning of summer before the sanding and prepping began..





The kids were so excited to see their new mattresses delivered last week, seriously they look like little peanuts in their beds!

My sweet Mia had a vision all her own for her room. She's shared a nursery with her brother for almost all her life so when she got her own room she wanted pink everything. Hubby had to keep reminding me that it was her room not mine...ha! She was very disappointed that we didnt paint her bed pink too, however we let her pick out her bedding. I had some beautiful shabby chic vintage bedding in mind but this little princess had one thing in mind...pink and flowers!!! So off we went to pick up her Daisy Bedding at Pottery Barn and it was love at first sight for her!


I had to remove the white shelving that was on the wall over her headboard and put something up that wouldnt come down on her head during an earthquake. I loved the canopy's at PBK but I wasnt willing to pay $100 for them so I improvised and picked up this one at Target for 19.99, added these great butterfly and flower decor from Babies R Us with my hot glue gun to glam it up a bit and she's in heaven!! I've found her reading in her canopy all afternoon. I even added a butterfly inside when she looks up and it appears to be flying.





She loves her little table in her room and I find them both there through the day playing kitchen, coloring and recently "talking on the phone".


I had these two extra frames and "shabbied" them up a bit and made them into french memo boards to display her pictures, crafts and butterflies.



She has a dress up area in her closet and I love to be able to close the door for
quick clean up after she's gone through her box and tossed her jewelry around :)





My Prince's room is almost complete too! We picked a grey blue for his room and with all the white moulding it is beautiful. His room is so calming! He has been fascinated by airplanes since he was a baby. Absolutely loves them so I was happy to do a vintage inspired airplane room for him and he loves it too! I found his bedding awhile back at Homegoods (quite a steal compared to the princess' at PBK) and quickly picked it up because about a week later it was gone.






I found these antique paintings from the 1950's on etsy and had fun framing them too!


His plane is waiting for Daddy to find some time to hang it up in the corner of his room and then we'll almost be finished. I have a few more touches that will go above his bed and have almost convinced him that the white butterfly canopy is just for girls...hehehe, I love that boy so much!!

His Purpose...

Its been 3 days since we've left the hospital. In some ways its seems like it just happened hours ago and in the same way weeks or months ago. It wasnt easy walking up the steps to the same hospital that we brought our sweet babies home from almost 4 years ago. We walked those steps so many times during my pregnancy with the twins and every single one holding a special memory of our pregnancy with them. I'm so thankful that they took me away from the women's side and admitted me to the surgical unit. I dont think I could have handled recovering next to a new mommy and I've had friends that have gone through this and that happened to them, I can't even imagine.

Our surgery was delayed 30 minutes so I spent some of that time being prayed over by hubby and finishing an amazing book by Angie Smith, "I will carry you". As I was half reading it through tears and watching the clock I was pleading with God to reveal His purpose through this heartache a sentence seemed to jump off the page at me...

"It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering."

As soon as I read these words it was like a warm blanket covered me completely, a peace that surpasses all understanding fell over us and I took these words and pressed them deeply into my heart. It didnt hurt any less, the pain and brokeness didnt lift but a peace that only God can give was in those words. It was His plan and His purpose. Up until that moment there was a part of me that questioned what I had done wrong, Did I not rest enough? Did I eat something that caused this? The questions were endless because its difficult for us to accept that maybe there was no reason. I'm so thankful that the Lord is gracious and faithful all the time and will never abandon me or forsake me in my time of need.

The days after are definitely the most difficult. I find myself remembering back to last week and what I was doing with the kids and thinking about and anticipating with this pregnancy. One precious moment I remember in the Operating Room before I went to sleep was that as the doctor walked in and saw the tears running down my face as I realized it was going to happen in moments he looked at the surrounding staff and then looked at me and said that he was so sorry and that he knew this baby was a very much DESIRED baby. He knew that we had gone through infertility and for my sake wanted everyone around me to know in that moment that this baby was desperately wanted and desired. It felt so good to know that everyone around me was acknowledging my baby, that it wasnt a passing moment at work but that this was a life that meant so much to us and always will. I thanked God every for giving me that moment and with that I went to sleep and woke up in the recovery room.

The next day the flowers began to arrive and with every delivery it made me feel so good that not only was our family and friends sharing in our sorrow but that each beautiful flower represented the life of our baby.








A life that will never fade or diminish with time. My heart hurts that I will never hold this baby, breathe in its newborn scent, gently touch every finger and toe and whisper how much I love you in its ears on earth but someday in heaven I will and I anticipate that day with great joy.

My life is different, My walk is different, My sight is different and together were learning and feeling our way.



...and two little miracles that bring me so much joy and laughter!!! Yes that is how they wanted to wear their pajamas to bed :)