one week

Its been one week since we said goodbye to our sweet baby. I find myself having to actually look at the day of the week in order to figure out what day it actually is. In someways it seems so familiar, I did this when the twins were born and had completely lost track of time mostly because I think your body goes on auto pilot and just keeps moving forward even though your mind (or in this case my heart) is standing still. Hubby even mentioned tonight when he got home from work that it seem\s like were standing still while the world keeps moving ahead. I was so relieved to here this from him because I was thinking the same thing and just hadnt shared it with him yet (as in when the kids finally go to bed and we can let the tears fall). Its not that we try to hide our grief and sorrow from the kids but at 3 years old after a point its hard for them to see mommy and daddy cry, their hearts are so tender and can only take so much so were careful to allow them to see only so much.

I wish I had something profound to journal what God is revealing to me this week, but I dont. I feel empty. I find myself thinking I should be celebrating, dreaming and planning with my husband as we anticipate our third miracle baby but instead were slowly letting go of the realization of planning the nursery, putting away the baby name book and our favorite top 5 names. Closing the door for a time until we feel God leading us to another miracle.

After a week its hard and I know people just dont know what to say. I imagine that they fear bringing it up will bring tears or maybe they think that we are just trying to forget and move on. Its actually the opposite though, by not bringing it up it actually hurts more, we so desperately want our baby acknowledged that the short life our baby had here on earth left an impact and has forever changed us and our family. I've been on the other side though and not knowing what to say or if I should say anything at all is hard. As much as it hurts though I know God has a purpose for John and I to walk this path and with time our compassion for another couples loss will be great.

The grief continues to be a roller coaster, its hard and so unexpected at times when I feel like its getting better. Grief is hard work and exhausting. I never know when it may strike or what could bring the tears. It could be seeing another pregnant woman, hearing a newborn cry, finding a maternity shirt that fell in the back of the closet, an ultrasound picture (we have so many) of the baby that slipped from getting put into a box, my doppler that came in the mail so that the kids could connect to the baby and listen to the heartbeat. I know it will be a long process and that through it God will strengthen our marriage like never before and our relationship and trust in His perfect plan.

We know He has an amazing plan for our family, He promises that He will do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever imagine (Eph 3:20) but that doesnt mean that the road to His promises will be without pain and trials.