Mia and Jacob skipped their naps on Friday and went to bed really early on Friday evening so we had a sushi date night in and a movie. Saturday morning we were off early for Mia and Jacobs swim lessons and then straight over to the park for a birthday party. The kids had a great time playing with all their friends and were tired by the time we got back home and ready for a nap, gotta love birthday partys that are over at 12:30pm...perfecto!!
Sunday we had a great morning at church, we grabbed lunch with some friends and then the 4 of us headed down to Main street, San Clemente Beach. We walked around, ate ice cream and enjoyed iced latte's. It was really a perfect low key weekend and we both appreciated the quality time we really needed. We are so blessed by each other and our miracle babies that are growing up way too fast.
I'm so thankful for an amazing husband that constantly asks how I'm doing, I love that he knows even in the midst of laughter, joy and beautiful sunshine there is sorrow and sadness threatening to shadow it. That there is something precious missing from our life here. Yesterday as we were driving in the car I thought only 2 weeks ago at this exact minute our baby was moving and growing and alive, only 2 weeks ago... How could things change so suddenly? I wish I would have known that was the last ultrasound I would ever see of our third miracle moving and kicking, I would never have taken my eyes of the screen, I would have stared so long that it would be engraved on my heart forever. If only we would have known.
God continues to write our story, our testimony. My hope is that I would never shy away from sharing it, that I would let God use it as He desires. That I would be a broken vessel consumed by Him only and always ready at the Holy Spirits prompting to share. I wouldnt wish infertility, IVF or miscarriage on any couple but my hope is that through our journey as we seek Jesus and lean on Him that we would bring glory to Him and be able to help others.
Our infertility story started a little over 4 years ago we decided it was time to start our family. We were excited and dreamed of the family we would have some day, the joy and laughter that would fill our home! Months came and went each time we were excited and wondered if this would be the month that would change our life forever. One evening as I was praying and reading I turned to the book of Habakkuk and these words literally jumped off the page and into my heart,
"For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end and will not prove false.
Though it may linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay" Habakkuk 2:3
I knew the Lord was giving me a promise to sustain me for what was to come, what I didnt know is how He would continue to take me back to this promise through IVF, premature labor, premature twins and again 4 years later in my devotions.
Mornings continue to be the hardest, the moment I open my eyes for that split second I want to still think its a nightmare, were still pregnant and were done with infertility forever. Saturday morning I opened my eyes and immediately reached for my Streams in the Desert devotional. I quietly whispered and pleaded Lord just give me a nugget, something anything Lord. I opened my book and this was a summary of my devotional;
Above all, when when thy God hides His face, say not that He hath forgotten thee. He is but tarrying a little to make thee love Him better; and when He cometh thou shalt have joy in the Lord, and shalt rejoice with joy unspeakable. Waiting exercises our grace; waiting tries our faith; therefore wait on in hope; for though the promise may linger, it will never come too late.
Did you see that...yes thats the same promise He gave me over 4 years ago and I knew again that He was pressing it into my heart. I literally dropped the book from my hands and was speechless. He is so beyond faithful and I know that if He could pull back the curtain and reveal to us all that He has planned for our family that I would see every dream and hope for our family fulfilled. However through this sorrow and heartache He is refining us in the fire and having us lean on Him like we never have before so that we are prepared for the plans He has for us.
Infertility is painful and a grieving process all on its own. When your told that you wont be able to conceive a child naturally with your husband something that most of us all expect and dream of its painful and a sorrow that is always there. You feel robbed of something precious. Even after the birth of our amazing miracles we both came to understand that the heartache of not being able to conceive on our own is still tender. Infertility is a disease and doesnt disappear. The desire and dream of being pregnant on our own without the schedule of medication and procedures will always remain a desire. I'm so thankful for many women that God has put in my life that "get" this.
I believe that God uses many trials to draw us closer to Him and to mold us and conform us to His image. In Jeremiah 29:11 He promises to prosper us and not to harm us, He promises a hope and a future, that we will call upon Him and that He will listen to us, that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with ALL of our hearts. I dont know about you but in the midst of busy days and when life is plugging along according to my plans I know I'm not seeking Him with all of my heart, but I can promise you this when we are in a trial, when we are hurting and don't understand we begin to seek Him with ALL of our hearts, we become consumed with Him and only in Him do we find the peace and comfort that we need. He calls us back to Him and through the pain and suffering we are changed and called for a greater purpose.
Some pics from the weekend...
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