one week

Its been one week since we said goodbye to our sweet baby. I find myself having to actually look at the day of the week in order to figure out what day it actually is. In someways it seems so familiar, I did this when the twins were born and had completely lost track of time mostly because I think your body goes on auto pilot and just keeps moving forward even though your mind (or in this case my heart) is standing still. Hubby even mentioned tonight when he got home from work that it seem\s like were standing still while the world keeps moving ahead. I was so relieved to here this from him because I was thinking the same thing and just hadnt shared it with him yet (as in when the kids finally go to bed and we can let the tears fall). Its not that we try to hide our grief and sorrow from the kids but at 3 years old after a point its hard for them to see mommy and daddy cry, their hearts are so tender and can only take so much so were careful to allow them to see only so much.

I wish I had something profound to journal what God is revealing to me this week, but I dont. I feel empty. I find myself thinking I should be celebrating, dreaming and planning with my husband as we anticipate our third miracle baby but instead were slowly letting go of the realization of planning the nursery, putting away the baby name book and our favorite top 5 names. Closing the door for a time until we feel God leading us to another miracle.

After a week its hard and I know people just dont know what to say. I imagine that they fear bringing it up will bring tears or maybe they think that we are just trying to forget and move on. Its actually the opposite though, by not bringing it up it actually hurts more, we so desperately want our baby acknowledged that the short life our baby had here on earth left an impact and has forever changed us and our family. I've been on the other side though and not knowing what to say or if I should say anything at all is hard. As much as it hurts though I know God has a purpose for John and I to walk this path and with time our compassion for another couples loss will be great.

The grief continues to be a roller coaster, its hard and so unexpected at times when I feel like its getting better. Grief is hard work and exhausting. I never know when it may strike or what could bring the tears. It could be seeing another pregnant woman, hearing a newborn cry, finding a maternity shirt that fell in the back of the closet, an ultrasound picture (we have so many) of the baby that slipped from getting put into a box, my doppler that came in the mail so that the kids could connect to the baby and listen to the heartbeat. I know it will be a long process and that through it God will strengthen our marriage like never before and our relationship and trust in His perfect plan.

We know He has an amazing plan for our family, He promises that He will do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever imagine (Eph 3:20) but that doesnt mean that the road to His promises will be without pain and trials.

growing too fast...

On a lighter note today we are almost done with Mia and Jacob's big rooms! It has been a great distraction the last few days.

Over the summer while I was looking for twin beds for them I came across this adorable pair of antique solid maple wood beds. I knew I wanted solid wood beds and that I wanted them identical so that if they ever went in the same room again then they would match and all I would have to do is change the bedding.
They were sanded, primed and painted and came out beautiful!!

Here they are at the beginning of summer before the sanding and prepping began..





The kids were so excited to see their new mattresses delivered last week, seriously they look like little peanuts in their beds!

My sweet Mia had a vision all her own for her room. She's shared a nursery with her brother for almost all her life so when she got her own room she wanted pink everything. Hubby had to keep reminding me that it was her room not mine...ha! She was very disappointed that we didnt paint her bed pink too, however we let her pick out her bedding. I had some beautiful shabby chic vintage bedding in mind but this little princess had one thing in mind...pink and flowers!!! So off we went to pick up her Daisy Bedding at Pottery Barn and it was love at first sight for her!


I had to remove the white shelving that was on the wall over her headboard and put something up that wouldnt come down on her head during an earthquake. I loved the canopy's at PBK but I wasnt willing to pay $100 for them so I improvised and picked up this one at Target for 19.99, added these great butterfly and flower decor from Babies R Us with my hot glue gun to glam it up a bit and she's in heaven!! I've found her reading in her canopy all afternoon. I even added a butterfly inside when she looks up and it appears to be flying.





She loves her little table in her room and I find them both there through the day playing kitchen, coloring and recently "talking on the phone".


I had these two extra frames and "shabbied" them up a bit and made them into french memo boards to display her pictures, crafts and butterflies.



She has a dress up area in her closet and I love to be able to close the door for
quick clean up after she's gone through her box and tossed her jewelry around :)





My Prince's room is almost complete too! We picked a grey blue for his room and with all the white moulding it is beautiful. His room is so calming! He has been fascinated by airplanes since he was a baby. Absolutely loves them so I was happy to do a vintage inspired airplane room for him and he loves it too! I found his bedding awhile back at Homegoods (quite a steal compared to the princess' at PBK) and quickly picked it up because about a week later it was gone.






I found these antique paintings from the 1950's on etsy and had fun framing them too!


His plane is waiting for Daddy to find some time to hang it up in the corner of his room and then we'll almost be finished. I have a few more touches that will go above his bed and have almost convinced him that the white butterfly canopy is just for girls...hehehe, I love that boy so much!!

His Purpose...

Its been 3 days since we've left the hospital. In some ways its seems like it just happened hours ago and in the same way weeks or months ago. It wasnt easy walking up the steps to the same hospital that we brought our sweet babies home from almost 4 years ago. We walked those steps so many times during my pregnancy with the twins and every single one holding a special memory of our pregnancy with them. I'm so thankful that they took me away from the women's side and admitted me to the surgical unit. I dont think I could have handled recovering next to a new mommy and I've had friends that have gone through this and that happened to them, I can't even imagine.

Our surgery was delayed 30 minutes so I spent some of that time being prayed over by hubby and finishing an amazing book by Angie Smith, "I will carry you". As I was half reading it through tears and watching the clock I was pleading with God to reveal His purpose through this heartache a sentence seemed to jump off the page at me...

"It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering."

As soon as I read these words it was like a warm blanket covered me completely, a peace that surpasses all understanding fell over us and I took these words and pressed them deeply into my heart. It didnt hurt any less, the pain and brokeness didnt lift but a peace that only God can give was in those words. It was His plan and His purpose. Up until that moment there was a part of me that questioned what I had done wrong, Did I not rest enough? Did I eat something that caused this? The questions were endless because its difficult for us to accept that maybe there was no reason. I'm so thankful that the Lord is gracious and faithful all the time and will never abandon me or forsake me in my time of need.

The days after are definitely the most difficult. I find myself remembering back to last week and what I was doing with the kids and thinking about and anticipating with this pregnancy. One precious moment I remember in the Operating Room before I went to sleep was that as the doctor walked in and saw the tears running down my face as I realized it was going to happen in moments he looked at the surrounding staff and then looked at me and said that he was so sorry and that he knew this baby was a very much DESIRED baby. He knew that we had gone through infertility and for my sake wanted everyone around me to know in that moment that this baby was desperately wanted and desired. It felt so good to know that everyone around me was acknowledging my baby, that it wasnt a passing moment at work but that this was a life that meant so much to us and always will. I thanked God every for giving me that moment and with that I went to sleep and woke up in the recovery room.

The next day the flowers began to arrive and with every delivery it made me feel so good that not only was our family and friends sharing in our sorrow but that each beautiful flower represented the life of our baby.








A life that will never fade or diminish with time. My heart hurts that I will never hold this baby, breathe in its newborn scent, gently touch every finger and toe and whisper how much I love you in its ears on earth but someday in heaven I will and I anticipate that day with great joy.

My life is different, My walk is different, My sight is different and together were learning and feeling our way.



...and two little miracles that bring me so much joy and laughter!!! Yes that is how they wanted to wear their pajamas to bed :)

saying goodbye

In less than 12hrs I'll be waking up in the recovery room and my baby will be gone. I know its just a perfect shell of our sweet baby in my womb right now and that our precious babys spirit is in the hands of God, but explaining that to the heart of any mother is difficult. Its so final and will be the last part of this baby that I will have on this side of heaven. Even through my tears and heartache God is good, He has never left my side and His presence has been stronger around me then I've felt in a long time. He promises to be close to the brokenhearted, He weeps and His heart aches with me and I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Even our earthly fathers hearts break into a million pieces when they see their daughter suffering and aching and knowing there is nothing they can do to make it better. They would move heaven and earth if they could so we know that our Heavenly Father who loves us so infinitely more than we could imagine is suffering right along with us. Many people ask if thats true then why would He allow this to happen, couldnt He have done something to stop it, performed a miracle and healed our baby? Yes He could have but for a purpose that we may never know until were standing in His presence He didnt and I still trust Him and praise Him.

It doesnt make the pain any less painful, the heartache any less bareable but I know He is carrying me and that tomorrow when I wake up and its final I know His presence will surround me, giving me strength to get through this.

Our family will never be the same, there will always be a part of our family missing. This will change our marriage and change our children but I know and believe that it will change us for the better. He promises in Romans 8:28 that ALL things work together for good, to those that are called according to His purpose, and there is a purpose we just dont see it yet.

We had an appointment today with our specialist and we were prepared for another quick ultrasound, preop paperwork and labs but I was not prepared to begin phase 1 of this process. Our doctor was frustrated that the staff didnt prepare me for this. We didnt have a choice and had to proceed, I quickly called on Jesus to be with me, to ease the pain. I turned on my worship music on my phone and closed my eyes. I'm not going to say it was easy, it was excruciatingly painful physically and emotionally. I had prepared myself to say goodbye at the hospital 24hrs later, I hadnt prepared my heart to start the process even as I looked at our sweet baby curled up sleeping on the ultrasound. I'm partly relieved that tomorrow will be under general anesthesia, but the mommy part of me is sad that I wont be 'present' when our baby is removed from my body. I know that sounds morbid, but if your a mommy reading this you understand, you would do anything for your child and not being present when our baby is taken somehow feels like I failed. I have assurance though that Jesus will be there, He will be present in the OR and is already holding our baby.

Thank you for praying for us as we cling to Jesus.

heaven will hold you before we ever do...

The hardest part of the day has to be waking up either in the morning, from a nap or through the night. For a split second when I open my eyes I think maybe it was a horrible heartwrenching dream and then reality sets in and my heart drops to the floor. I find myself repeating over and over "Jesus help me, give me strength...I can't do this on my own", and He does. The Holy Spirit covers me with a blanket of comfort and I feel Jesus walking with me, holding me.

I was up this morning preparing lunch for the kids to take to school and I thought this is just like every other morning and life is moving on yet I feel like I'm standing still. I stopped to sit down and open the only book that can speak to my heart, His word. The house was quiet, my miracles still sleeping. As I tried to read the tears started to fall. His word is so tender to me right now, the sorrow fresh, each promise piercing my heart. I knew that the Holy Spirit was interceeding for me through my tears and the breaking of my heart so I sat and let Him surround me and hold me. A wave of peace fell over me and my tears dried, my heavy heart lifted and my sorrow subsided. How in love with my Savior I am even in the midst of this valley, He holds me, He sustains me, He is my refuge, He is my rock.

I was told to listen to this song and now that its on my iphone, I can't not listen to it, what an amazing beautiful song that speaks to both of our hearts right now. How joyful yet sorrowful that "heaven will hold you before we ever do, Heaven will be the only home you will ever know" Baby let sweet Jesus hold you til mom and dad can hold you, how precious and perfect those words are to our ears right now.

Here are the lyrics;

Watermark, Glory Baby
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

forever changed

This summer will be etched on my heart forever. It began with promises of hope, celebration and thankfulness. We prepared ourselves to once again travel the road of infertility and dreamed of completing our family. We talked with excitement and dreams wondering if Mia and Jacob would have a brother or a sister or maybe both. We were so excited to witness the miracle(s) God would have for us.

As the summer started we were excited to see our doctor and team of nurses again, everyone so excited to see what the future would hold for us again. Finally the long awaited day came and we were pregnant! I was so humbled and praised God that I was done with the excruciating road of infertility and our family will be complete. Our first ultrasound came quickly and we were surprised to see two babies!! We waited patiently another week and confirmed that one of our precious babies heart never started, bittersweet although joyful that Twin B was measuring perfectly and had the most beautiful heartbeat. We cried tears of joy and loss together.

We praised God for this life that He had knit together and excitedly talked about what it would be like to have one baby. Would it be a boy or a girl? We talked about names and how exciting it would be to actually bring a baby home from the hospital with us, the chances of me carrying one baby to full term was very good! This was a whole new experience for us and we couldnt wait.

A few weeks later we saw our sweet baby again with Mia and Jacob. They were beyond excited to see the baby dance for us and move all around. They took turns being lifted up to the monitor to see their little brother or sister moving for them. They told everyone they came in contact with and shared our exciting news! The babies heart was perfect. I remember asking my doctor as he was leaving the ultrasound room what my chances of miscarriage were and he said less than 2%, "your out of the danger zone" and for the first time I unguarded my heart and fully stepped into the reality that we were going to have a baby. Having gone through infertility it is so common to guard your heart for fear of everything you have had to endure would not be successful and up to this ultrasound there was still a part of me that was guarded.

Another week later we enjoyed a beautiful Saturday morning, watched the kids graduate from their swimming lessons level 1 and headed excitedly over to graduate from our doctors office to our OB. We already had our first appointment scheduled and big ultrasound for Friday, October 1st. John had scheduled the afternoon off and we were so excited and looking forwad to our long ultrasound and watching our little miracle.

We all entered the ultrasound room, while waiting for our doctor the kids were excited to see the baby "wiggle" and we joyfully talked about what our little active one would be up to. We were all smiles and there was finally no fear at this appointment. Doctor entered singing the graduation song, how we love him and how he genuinely cares for each patient. I've been present at enough ultrasounds with many patients to know exactly what to look for. As soon as the ultrasound came into picture our precious baby was so beautifully formed. A perfect head and profile, beautiful arms and legs, amazingly perfect!! but instantly I noticed that there was no movement in the chest, he wasnt moving.

Fear set in my heart like I've never felt before. I remember saying to myself, this cant be happening, please hurry and find the heartbeat. My doctor was desperately searching too and I could see unbelief at what he was seeing in his eyes. I thought my eyes are deceiving me, the babies just turned around, nothings wrong. It can't be, God wouldnt put me through all of this to come to this point, please hurry and find the heartbeat. I remember turning my head because I couldnt look anymore. If this was it I didnt want the memory of seeing my lifeless perfect baby laying in my womb. I remember him turning the doppler on to see blood flow and I glanced back and there was no color in the baby, I knew what that meant...but I didnt want to believe it. He got up and told us to meet him in his office and left the room. I remember feeling my body shaking and tears rolling down my face but I was numb. I thought this is a nightmare, just wake up and it will still be morning and you'll get out of bed and go to your appointment, this can't be happening to me. We went through so much and God answered our prayer and desire for this baby, please God no...

Mia and Jacob were so quiet, they whispered to us that they wanted to see the baby and wanted to know what was wrong. Dear Lord how do I tell my babies that you've taken this one home?

We were given 6 or 7 pictures of this perfect baby but I couldnt look at them, I pushed them into my purse and we left with plans to see our doctor on Monday.

Later that evening we sat the kids down and told them that Jesus had loved this baby so much that He took it to heaven to be with Him. They both immediately said "but we want to see the baby and hold the baby" We told them that is why they see mommy and daddy crying because we want to see the baby too but Jesus loved our baby so much that He needed him in heaven. They each tucked this into their precious little hearts and we've watched them grieve their own way. Mia quietly and drawing pictures for mommy and the baby and Jacob needing to ask questions and talk about it. He immediately told Nana and Papa (although they already knew) that Jesus had taken our baby home with Him, and his sunday school teacher and friends at church.

Ive had friends that have suffered miscarriages and I've prayed for them and tried to comfort them through their sorrow. Now walking through this especially after watching our little ones heartbeat and kick and grow I know the devastation and tragedy of losing your child. I look at Mia and Jacob and tears fall as I count them my greatest blessing and yet at the same time my heart grieves in a way that it never has for this baby that I'll never hold.

The pain is unbearable at times, overwhelming and I wonder if I'll ever be the same again. I cry out for God to do a miracle, please let it be a mistake and tomorrow when we go to our appointment its heartbeat will be perfect, just an error on the other ultrasound machine, but I know better. My mind knows better but my heart longs and pleads for a miracle. I know that Jesus loves me so infinitely more than I could imagine and bottles up each tear that falls, but my heart doesnt understand and I know it never will on this side of heaven. I'll never be the same person again, our family will never be the same again but somehow someway I know God will use this to make us better, transforming us more to His image and plan for our life.

Please pray for us as we face what tomorrow will bring. I'm learning to give a voice to my sorrow and for the first time today I told a friend that I'm not ready to say goodbye to this baby, as soon as I spoke the words tears poured down and sobbing took over my body, through it though I heard the spirit whisper to me that He knows. He knows, He knows, He knows and He is close. I'm so thankful for His promise that He is close to the brokenhearted.

Thankful that as of tonight I get to carry this baby in my womb as the Lord sustains me and it will be too soon to say goodbye.

"Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One
who's chosen me
To carry you" ~ Selah

Happy 3rd Birthday to my baby boy!!

Dear Jacob Nolan,
This post has been a long time coming sweet boy, the last few weeks since you've turned 3 have been spent cuddling, rocking and sleeping, how I cherish holding and rocking you just like I did all those days in the NICU...all 18 of them! We've all been sick and because of your asthma you tend to get a little sicker then the rest of us. So we've had lots of cuddling and snuggling!

I look at you in unbelief today because there is no way that you can be 3 years old. How did the last 3 years go by in such a blur? How have you gone to being 3lbs in my arms to telling me, "I love you mother bear"... You love your Little Bear show so much and it just completely reflects the softness and sweetness of your heart and personality.

Daddy and I were so fortunate to watch you on so many ultrasounds while God knitted you together in my womb. You were always curled up and had your face turned away from us snuggling and so comfortable and relaxed. It amazes me that your same personality holds true today, you still love to cuddle and snuggle in your bed (with your face snuggled into your blankets just like when I was pregnant with you..mommy keeps moving them away and you go right back to them!) You like to stay back and watch everyone before interacting, you have to have your BIG sister with you at all times..except for when you are sleeping and you love to sleep!!

I'm so blessed to be your mommy and I will never stop praising God for giving me this amazing little boy who I know will be a warrior for God in a mighty way! You are so loving, compassionate and polite. I dont think many people have met a 2 and now 3 year old boy that says please, thank you and bless you all the time. They look at you in amazement where ever we are and I beam at your sweet spirit!

Your little face and soft voice holds my heart in the palm of your little hand! I love that we have the same hands and feet..mostly because thats all you got from me as far as characteristics go...you are all your Daddy! Your smile and giggle makes my heart soar.

My favorite time of day is when I tuck you in and then you whisper, "rock me mama" the sweetest request ever, we rock and then you ask me to sing you lullaby or Jesus loves me. I tuck away those precious moments in my heart because as fast as the last 3 years have gone by and my baby has become a boy. I know the next 3 will come just as fast.

Thank you sweetheart for making me so proud and humbled to be your Mother Bear.

With all my heart,
Mommy