too beautiful for earth...

"an angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book,

"too beautiful for earth"

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. a special day for us to honor our sweet little ones who are no longer with us. while some of these babies and children were held here on earth there are others who were not. yet we miss them all...whether they were merely an image on a screen or a weight in our arms. they are missed. so in remembrance of Emerson today (last night) and all of his wonderful new friends, we are lighting his candle. we love you Emerson and miss you so much! Thank you Emerson for all your new friends mommy's too. they have brought so much comfort into my life as we mourn and grow together through the loss of each of you. It brings me so much comfort to know that you are surrounded by beautiful babies in the presence of Jesus!

A sweet friend sent me this quote above yesterday, isn't it beautiful!!! Thank you Kara Kae!

I spent the afternoon at my post-op appointment at our perinatologist office. during my pregnancy with the twins this office was literally our second home. our perinatologist didnt take a breath of relief until we celebrated 28 weeks on new years eve, he surely thought that my body wouldnt be able to hold them yet our mighty and powerful God carried my body through to bring Mia and Jacob into this world. this office holds so many precious memories and yet we've added another memory, bittersweet. how i wish there was more sensitivity during the long wait then to sit in a room full of pregnant women, i kept thinking I should be sitting here waiting for my joyful appointment watching Emerson bounce around on the screen too but instead i'm waiting for my follow up to make sure everything has healed up and that there isnt any sign of infection. what i am thankful for is that my sweet boy woke up in the car right before i got out (the plan is that i knew they would fall asleep on our way to a 3:15 appt and that my mom would hang out in the car while i went upstairs) he wanted to go with mama and i'm so thankful that he did, he distracted me and as i watched him play and ask a million and 1 questions i just fell in love with him all over again if that is even possible. he is my miracle (as is his twin sister) because i know how close we came to losing them both.

"everything looks great, you have healed beautifully", those words should have brought relief and hope yet it brought sadness... sadness that my body shouldnt be healed and not pregnant, i should be celebrating this pregnancy that we worked so hard for and yet everything has healed, a reminder of our loss.

this morning as we prepare for our second appointment of the week to meet with our other doctor i found myself anxious and sad. we were supposed to be done with infertility, finally putting it behind us, this was supposed to be the completion of our little family and yet that wasnt Gods plan. so we meet once again more as a follow up to make sure my pregnancy levels are coming down and to discuss what our options in the future are. and then my amazing God delivered a perfect devotion to me this morning to address every worry and thought...

It is very easy to fall into doubting, worrying, wondering if God has forsaken us, and thinking that after all we have been through , our hopes are going to end in failure. But let us refuse to be discouraged and unhappy! Let us "consider it pure joy" James 1:2), even when we do not feel happiness. Let us rejoice in faith, by firm determination, and by simply regarding it as true, and we will find that God will make it real to us.

"The Holy Spirit will come to our aid, giving us faith of God and crowning us with victory" ~ streams in the desert