BROKENNESS
a few years ago i started to read a blog by Angie Smith called 'bring the rain' as she journaled through her pregnancy and eventually the loss of her daughter, its an amazing blog and i was drawn to it because of her faith during her painful and heartbreaking trial of carrying her daughter until birth and then after only holding her a couple hours handed her into the Lords presence. I couldnt even imagine it, i remember reading through it in tears while my sweet healthy babies slept in their nursery and yet while I mourned her grief i know now that i only barely had a glimpse of her pain. I knew though that i was drawn to her brokenness, to the raw faith and pain she was sharing with our Lord.
The day after we found out that Emerson had left us I told hubby that I wanted to go to the bookstore. We went and he graciously and patiently took the kids to "kids corner" at Barnes while I browsed and looked for something, i really didnt even know what i was looking for. As I scanned the 'religious' section I stopped as soon as I came across her book, "I will carry you". I remember her writing this and talking about it yet I had never thought to buy it or read it. I had read her blog for a couple years so I kind of figured it was just on her writings through her blog compiled together, i was wrong. I read it in one night and absorbed every word, i could feel her pain, i could feel my pain and questions and wonderings validated and it felt so good, i felt like i was for the first time sharing in her sorrow and brokenness and "got it" like i would never wish on anyone.
I loved how she talked about Mary, Martha and Lazarus and their story was told in a new light. A light of pain, grief, brokenness, hope and finally redemption. A few weeks later our pastor was going over John 12 and the story of Mary and her worship to Jesus with her most precious possession..the alabaster jar.
Her story is one of complete surrender...heart abandoned, a worship like no other. Jesus loved Lazarus and when He heard the news that the 'one He loved' was sick He didnt go, he was only a days walk away yet He stayed and Mary knew this, she didnt understand. She was so troubled that He didnt come because she knew that He could heal Lazarus and take away His sickness. Lazarus died and Mary was heartbroken, she didnt understand. Jesus eventually came however it wasnt Mary that ran to meet him, it was Martha. Mary eventually came out to see Jesus, she was devastated and when Jesus saw this he was troubled and heartbroken for her...he wept. He didnt weep because he was sad or because Lazarus was dead but he wept because Mary was broken and He is a compassionate loving God. The story didnt end there, he raised Lazarus from the dead. Days later Jesus arrived at their home for dinner and while Martha served, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus, she brought out her most prized possession the alabaster (perfume oil, estimated to be over a years wages) the most precious possession she owned, she let her hair down which I didnt know until recently was not something you did until you were married, no one was ever to see your hair down except for your husband and she did this in a room full of people. She was completely abandoned in her worship, she didnt care what other people thought. She broke the entire jar over Jesus' feet and then wiped them clean with her hair. As Jesus was crucified days later she didnt stand at the cross but ran through town and it is said that the oils of perfume still in her hair filled the city with the fragrance of Jesus, the sweetness of her worship to Him.
I've heard this story many many times but I didnt come to understand it like I do now. Its been hard to explain how my communion and intimacy with God has changed through the loss of Emerson. One would think that there would be anger and grief that would pull me away, that I would be numb... but its actually the opposite. My worship and intimacy with my Jesus is altered forever, the sweetness of the aroma I have is a communion like no other. I stand and worship with my hands lifted high, my heart completely abandoned and surrendered to Him alone....my eyes fill with tears when i open the His word...when I feel His spirit surrounding me when I think of Emerson, carrying me when I call out or whisper for Him to come...you see I've given Him my most precious possession...He is holding my son and He whispers into my heart.."I know what its like to give up your most precious possession, because I did too"
My prayer is that through my worship to him, my hair too will fill my surroundings with the sweet aroma of Jesus, that through my brokenness He will be felt, His presence will be known and that my heart will always be surrendered and abandoned to Him.
because its out of my brokenness that my worship changed , that I am completely surrendered and abandoned to my sweet Jesus alone. I will let my hair down and sit at his feet, letting the light in me fill the room through the brokenness, they will see Jesus in it. There is something about a broken heart, a broken spirit, which blesses unbelievably.
Brokenness. There is no other way to be effective in touching others' lives. ~ Jon Courson
1 comment:
BEAUTIFUL POST, andrea! God is definitely working in you and still has great plans for you all. Sending hugs and prayers your way....thank you for sharing your journey with us!
(I read I Will Carry You back in May. Moving book!)
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