"Emerson Joy Pascua" 09/25/10

24 hours after we found out that our baby had died I got up the next morning and knew the only place I wanted to be was at church worshipping Jesus. Our church family is beyond amazing and surrounded us in love and community. I remember walking into our service and they were already in worship, we stood and my husband held me as tears and sobs shook my body. Here I was worshipping Jesus while our desperately wanted baby was no longer kicking inside me. Yet the words to this song raised my hands up towards the heavens in worship and praise.

The last couple weeks it had escaped me to which song we were singing, last night as I was journaling I had my iPhone on shuffle and it was going through all my worship songs and this one came on...it was the one I had worshipped too and each word touched my heart again. I haven't been able to take it off repeat and as I've listened to it all day and evening God has been speaking to me and revealing to me the steps He wants us to take. Steps and decisions that my mind and body doesn't want to make or face but steps I know the Lord is asking of me and of us.

Asking me to sacrifice my heart knowing there will be more pain in the grieving but "what can I say, what can I do but offer this heart O God Completely to You". See the Lyrics to this amazing worship song at the end of this entry.

I've been trying to make sense of all Jesus was showing me and revealing to me from the second our home pregnancy test was positive. At each step of this pregnancy it seemed that it was barely in our grasp, we couldn't get a full grasp of it. Jesus held it out for us as we slowly took another step. We were beyond ecstatic to see multiple positive pregnancy tests 3 days before I was scheduled for our blood test, we thought my numbers must be perfect and stable since we were getting early positives so quickly, Monday came and I wasn't even nervous I was excited to see how high our number would be, would it be over 300 like our twins were or maybe just over 100 and instead of twins we would get to experience the wonder of enjoying one newborn! I didnt sit around staring at my phone like I had 4 years before, I enjoyed the day and the fact that there was new life growing. Finally the call came and our doctor was cautiously optimistic..it was 54, still more than positive for pregnancy but lower then we had expected especially since I had tested positive early. It couldnt be twins either, that number was known more for just one pregnancy. I was told to come back in 48hrs and if that number doubled then we were in the clear and could enjoy that this pregnancy was progressing normal. So here we were, we had taken 3 steps forward and 1 step back. 48 hours came and we waited on more blood work, we watched the phone all evening and finally he called, my numbers had more than doubled they were perfect!!! He was confident that our pregnancy was progressing normal and we could relax. We celebrated, finally we can exhale!

2 weeks later it was time for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks to see a heartbeat.
My devotion that morning was on Hebrews 11:1, it spoke about having faith even when we can't see. I tucked that into my heart and thought as much as we want to see the heartbeat maybe God is calling us to trust Him even when we can't see. He was preparing my heart. We started the ultrasound and to our surprise it was twins, two gestational sacs! What I wasnt surprised by was that we didnt have heartbeats yet, I was scared and knew that it could go either way in another week, good or bad. We prayed and pleaded for healthy heartbeats, I just knew the Lord was calling us to trust Him like we never had.

One week later we were back and my devotional on our way to the appointment was Psalm 107:23-24 "they saw the works of the Lord, His wonderful deeds in the deep"
As we walked up to our appointment holding hands John asked if I was nervous and I said no, Jesus had given me His assurance in His word that morning that we would see the works of the Lord! Sure enough we saw one beautiful heartbeat, measuring perfect and it was glorious!! Our other ones heartbeat had never started, it was bittersweet but we couldnt stop praising God for this one miracle!

Many weeks went by and every weekend we got to see our baby growing (the greatest blessing of infertility many many ultrasounds), kicking and moving and measuring perfectly. Everything was right on track and finally we could rest and enjoy this blessing and miracle.

So the last few days I've been seeking God on how He could have let us ride that roller coaster of emotions. We desperately wanted to grasp this pregnancy and hold tight while the whole time we felt like it was slipping from our fingers. Finally when we get the clearance to celebrate and enjoy this life that was growing and progressing it was taken from us. Why couldnt He have taken it at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 9weeks, why did we have to progress and watch or sweet baby grow only later to have him taken from us. What was the purpose?

I've been thinking about this and asking the Lord to help me to understand, reveal to me the purpose in having us go through all of it knowing in the end of it that it would fall from our hands.

As I've been grieving and learning to live with this loss and move on I found myself putting away our many, many, many ultrasound pictures so i wouldnt have to see them. I purposely avoid the drawers in our bedroom and bathroom that hold all our syringes and medication. I've moved everything around that reminds me of this pregnancy and baby so that it wouldnt be so painful, so I could function and smile in the midst of the kids preschool busyness, in the celebration of new babies that have arrived, at bible study, community home fellowships and normal errands and outings with the family. I found myself subconsciously pushing it out of my head so that I wouldnt have to hurt and so that I could... well count my blessings and focus on that. John and I had picked out names for our sweet baby but we hadnt decided on one officially and since my arms are empty and our baby is with Jesus we could just skip that whole process too, that was my plan anyways.

It wasnt Jesus' plan for me in all of this though. His plan is not my plan and His purpose for us in this is definitely not one that we would have purposed. What He called me to do is not something that my flesh would want to do, I want to avoid pain at all costs, so when He called me out today I had no doubt that there was any part of "me" in this. He asked me to name our baby, my first thought was no Jesus...I'm doing well, I'm taking one step at a time and I'm moving through this, please dont make me do that, it will hurt too much.

Yes we acknowledge that this sweet life will forever be a part of our family, that if we ever have another baby it wont be our third son or daughter because that place was already filled by this one, but as crazy as it sounds I couldnt take that next step to personalize this loss so intimately, I selfishly pleaded to Jesus not to make me go there and yet I heard it in the song He had given me 24 hours after we lost our baby, "I needed to abandon my heart and surrender to Him, all I am is His" and as much as it was going to hurt it was something I had to do, that He needed me to do for a greater purpose.

So while John and I had been discussing a few names 3 or 4 of them there wasn't one stood out more than any other, until today. I knew immediately what this baby's name was, there was no question or hesitation. What surprised me was the middle name, as soon as I said his first name out loud the middle name came with it and a promise with it as well. This was not me, it was the name Jesus had always intended for our baby. A name we will treasure and cherish for all our days on earth.

Emerson Joy Pascua
"Emerson" - I couldnt remember what the name meant but when I pulled out our book I
was in tears, it means brave and powerful. It was more fitting then I
ever could have imagined.
"Joy" - this was never a consideration but as soon as I said Emerson out loud
Joy came right behind it and I audibly heard "the JOY of the Lord is my
strength"

I found this today, it was always meant to be for this beautiful picture!! A day our children and us will never forget. The day we watched Emerson move and kick.


Being obedient to Christ isnt something our flesh always wants to do, sometimes its painful and more suffering then we think we can endure, but there is healing in the pain. I'm ready to heal at the pace the Lord wants me to go at and not mine.

The Stand, Hillsong

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours