a number that will be etched on my soul for all my days on earth. i know as time moves on that i'll have feelings of thankfulness and joy at the little life of Emerson that we enjoyed here on earth but for now it leaves a hole of sadness in our life that we know only Jesus can fill and yes to be honest every day it gets a little easier, Jesus carries our burden of grief for us and were able to take a breath of hope and joy a little better and more everyday.
but today was the 25th and as much as i tried not to dwell on it or think about it, i couldnt. it seemed like a blanket of heaviness was over me and my outlook was anything but joyful and happy. it hurt...a lot. one month ago today we saw Emerson for the first time lifeless and felt the pain of loss that no parent should ever feel.
My body aches to be hold his body again, to feel his life being knit together by our amazing creator. Our dreams of everything he would be to our family and what our life would look and feel like were taken away in one second one month ago today. I remember someone telling me that its not only the loss of a child that was loved so much and so desperately but its also the loss of the dream, the loss of what he would be like, what every holiday and family vacation would be like with our 3 children. How would he interact with the twins, what kind of amazing bond would he contribute to theirs? every dream taken from us in a second.
What we do know is that nothing passes through our sovereign Lord's hand without his permission. He knew the devastation this would bring to our lives and family but He also can see the end while we can only see the present. We trust Him even when we can't understand.
Our devotional over our weekend away in Santa Barbara was amazing....
"Those who suffer the most are capable of yielding the most; and it is through pain that God is getting the most out of us, for His glory and the blessing of others. Life is mysterious. Indeed it would be inexplicable unless we believed that God was preparing us for scenes and ministries that lie beyond the veil of sense in the eternal world, where highly tempered spirits will be required for special service.
I'm thankful that tomorrow is the 26th and look forward to what God has planned for our family!!
1 day ago
3 comments:
Thanks for stopping by my blog! I will definitately be following your story, my heart is aching for you right now. I appreciated the devotional you shared from this last weekend-how powerful?!
I know what you mean about the 25th being etched in your mind and how you want to feel the weight of sweet Emerson in your arms once again. Yesterday marked 8 months since our baby Jay was born and taken home. God has sustained us and gives us strength when we think we can no longer go on. We serve a faithful Savior!
Thinking of you,
Kami
That date will be forever embedded into your mind. The 24th and 30th hold a special place in mine. But over time I pray it will be a day (or days in my case) to smile at the gift we were given on that day. Because "now" is such a short time compared to the eternity that we will get to spend with them in heaven!
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